Alright, let’s talk about this “vegan patriot hits pedestrian” thing. Sounds wild, right? Well, lemme break down what happened.
It all started last Tuesday. I was downtown, protesting… something. Honestly, can’t even remember what specific injustice I was railing against. Probably corporate greed or maybe the price of avocados. You know, the usual stuff. I’m a passionate guy, okay?
So, there I am, holding my sign (it said “Meat is Murder, Save the Planet!” – classy, I know), chanting slogans, the whole nine yards. The crowd was pretty decent, a good mix of tie-dye and angry faces. Things were going smoothly, until…
…BAM! Outta nowhere, this old dude just wanders into the street. Didn’t even look! Head buried in his phone, probably playing Candy Crush or something equally brain-rotting. Now, I’m not gonna lie, I saw him coming. But I was so caught up in the righteous fury of the protest, I didn’t exactly jump out of the way.
He kinda bounced off me, more of a gentle nudge than a full-on collision. He yelped, dropped his phone (screen probably shattered, karma’s a btch), and started yelling about how “kids these days have no respect!” I, of course, launched into a tirade about the ethical implications of eating animal products. Perfect timing, right?
The crowd kinda parted, everyone staring. I felt a little bad, I’m not gonna lie. The old dude was clearly shaken, clutching his arm. So, I did what any reasonable vegan patriot would do:
- First, I helped him up. You know, gotta be a decent human being, even if he’s a carnivore.
- Then, I offered him an organic, gluten-free, soy-based protein bar. He looked at it like it was a turd.
- Finally, I yelled “Go Vegan!” one last time and rejoined the protest.
Okay, okay, maybe yelling “Go Vegan!” wasn’t the most sensitive thing to do. But hey, gotta seize the moment, right? Plant the seed. Maybe, just maybe, that old dude will think twice before ordering a steak next time.
Did I technically hit him? Yeah, probably. Was it intentional? Debatable. Do I regret it? Not really. He shoulda been paying attention! Plus, think of the message this sends: Vegans are a force to be reckoned with! We’re so passionate about saving the planet, we’ll accidentally run you over to spread the word! (Just kidding… mostly.)
Anyway, that’s the story. “Vegan Patriot Hits Pedestrian.” It’s got a ring to it, don’t you think?
The Aftermath
So, a few days later, I’m at my usual vegan cafe, sipping a soy latte, when I see it: a headline on the local news website: “Vegan Activist Assaults Elderly Man!” My heart sank. They had a picture of me! A blurry, unflattering one, of course, but still, me!
The article was full of crap. Said I “deliberately targeted” the old man, that I was part of a “violent vegan extremist group.” Total BS. I mean, I’m passionate, but I’m not violent. I’m just… enthusiastic.
My phone started blowing up. Texts from friends, family, even my grandma (who still doesn’t understand what veganism is). Everyone asking if I was okay, if I needed a lawyer, if I was going to jail.
I spent the next few days holed up in my apartment, avoiding social media, terrified to leave the house. I was getting hate mail, death threats, the whole shebang. It was insane!
Eventually, things calmed down. The story faded from the headlines, people forgot about it. But it definitely left a mark. I’m a little more cautious now when I’m protesting. I look both ways before crossing the street, and I try to avoid hitting pedestrians, even accidentally.
The whole experience taught me a valuable lesson: being passionate is great, but you gotta be careful. You can’t let your zealotry blind you to the real world. And you definitely shouldn’t hit old people, even if they’re eating meat and playing Candy Crush.
So, yeah, that’s my story. A cautionary tale of veganism, patriotism, and accidental assault. Learn from my mistakes, people. And always look both ways before crossing the street.
